peace

Life isn’t always easy.  This summer I discovered I was pregnant – joy, elation, worry, anxiety – I ran through the gamut of emotions faster than Usain Bolt in the 100 metre dash.  Everything was progressing smoothly, my beta HCG counts were normal, ultrasounds showed a growing baby with a beating flicker of a heart. After struggling with infertility (before and after my daughter), there aren’t words to describe how much we wanted this pregnancy. After a hectic peak of wedding season, followed by a much-deserved trip to California with my daughter and husband, I came home to a routine 11 week-ish  ultrasound, only to discover that

a) there were TWO babies! TWINS!
but

b) There were no longer any heartbeat(s).

Surgery was scheduled, to prevent the risk of me hemorrhaging at home alone.  After one more ultrasound to confirm their passing and for us to say goodbye, the surgery went smoothly, and recovery was hard, but still routine.  We’re currently waiting for the results of the autopsy/genetic testing to see if there was any thing that we can try to prevent in the future.

The outpouring of care and concern on my facebook page, as well as on photographer’s forums, and in “real life” was immense, and very much appreciated.

Thank you everyone, for your care and concern. It has meant SO much to me.

I’m very at peace, having miscarried two times before, and having gone through severe depression because of those losses before. Being depressed won’t bring the twins back, so I’m choosing to have hope instead. I have an amazing God, and it’s not up to me to always know all the answers. God’s delay doesn’t mean his denial.

Some babies you meet on earth, some in Heaven – and at this rate, I’m going to have a beautiful big family waiting for me up there. ♥